Leap Day

Well, it's Leap Day and I'm sitting near my free standing stove as it is finishing a warm, crackling burn. Nothing like a nice fire on a cold, windy day.

I'm sharing the computer chair with Pepper, my 13 year old Siamese Lynx. Or rather, she's sharing it with me.

It's a night when I really don't want to think too much. A night in which I need to turn to Spirit. A night in which I need to be in the now. I choose to be in the now. And now is good.

So much of my past involved delayed gratification, putting off today's happiness for a future goal. I've lived a lot of my past in the future.

Now the future is here and guess what? The things I have been waiting for have not been happening. I sacrificed time with my family to get an education and the education has not brought about what I expected and the family is gone. I put a lot of effort into my family and now my children are grown and living their own lives and I am divorced.

I expected my education to open up some opportunities for me, but it doesn't seem to have done that. In fact, it seems to have made me "overqualified" for some of the income generating situations that I have pursued.

I don't know how to take this. It seems I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but even then I feel guilty. I'm grateful for the family I had and for the opportunity to get an education, I just don't want to feel like I'm done. And it's feeling pretty empty these days (maybe that's why it's called the "Empty Nest.").

What do I do next? The things I've tried all seem to have blocks that I can't get past. I don't know what else to do. I wait for guidance from the Universe, but it seems to be rare and fuzzy. I get steps, but I don't get a goal. Even just saying that I'm waiting for guidance from the Universe sounds so "out there." The American Way is to be frantic and bite and scratch and claw my way to something--even if I'm unhappy with it. Being calm and listening for guidance when there is a problem is just not the way of our culture. We are supposed to "DO" something. But what????

I guess the "what" is to trust--that all has not been for no reason, that there is something more that will materialize in its proper time, that the Universe has me in it's embrace regardless of whether or not I can feel it. Maybe that's what I need to do--feel the embrace of the Universe holding me lovingly and taking me to the best place for me.

I release my disappointment and the sadness of unmet expectations and welcome what is. I see the now and accept the now, until the Universe guides me to a different now. All is well. And So It Is.

Pay it forward

I had a birthday a few days ago and was so happy to receive many good wishes and some gifts. I like receiving gifts but there is something about them that makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I have trouble receiving a gift or gifts when I know that given current circumstances I will not be able to reciprocate in kind (amount of gifts, type of gift, value of gifts) to the person giving.

Of course, intellectually, I know that's not what gift giving is about. I know that most people (there probably are exceptions) don't give a gift to someone anticipating something in kind to be returned to them at some point--at least I know I don't. Most people give gifts because they want to and because they like to make someone else happy.

So, I need to get comfortable with the no reciprocation/less than reciprocation that has always been in my life but has shown up more persistently since my employment has not been sufficient. In other words, lately, I've been receiving more than I can repay.

Perhaps I can get more comfortable with not paying back if I feel like I can pay forward. I may not be able to give lots to the same friend who gave lots to me, but maybe I can give some to others. Maybe I can give to someone who doesn't have and wouldn't have if I didn't give. Does that make sense?

Maybe those who give to me in any way can feel like they are making an investment in others, in the chain of pay it forward. I hope so. :o)

Spiritual being having a human experience

I've decided to come back to my blog with a focus on my journey as a spiritual being having a human experience. I've heard that term so many times that I don't know who to attribute it to. I know that several spiritual traditions see our lives as such.

The topic that came to me in meditation was that of how I value myself. It is deeply ingrained in me that my value lies in what I accomplish, how busy I am, and/or how many people require my time. I think this concept is replete throughout our culture--particularly for women. With that definition of value, it would seem that at this point in my life, I am of very little value.

There were several periods in my life when (according to the above definition of value) I was very valuable. But now, with an empty nest and no full-time job, I appear to be of quite low value. Unfortunately, my mind seems to have bought into this concept and it whips me up into a frenzy trying to help me find value according to the old model. I clean my house, job hunt, and prepare lessons for my part-time job teaching. There's no problem with that, but my mind has decided that I need to be anxious about all of that, as if the perfectly clean house, the great job, or the wonderful lesson plan will bring me back some value. In my mind, tending to myself is conditional--if it will help me produce something tangible and make me or keep me valuable, then it's ok. Otherwise, no.

As I walk my spiritual path, I'm working toward valuing the spiritualness and the beingness of me. I am worthy of taking up space on the planet because I AM. I am consciousness and I have value because of my existence.

Ever since I was let go from my job, my mind has fought me in my feelings of a need to meditate. Why should I waste time like that? What does meditation produce? Sure, when you were working you needed to meditate, to take a break so you could recharge and go out and "do" more. But you're just hanging around the house being useless. Why do you need to meditate? Do another job search on the Internet, Lazy!

My mind is fighting me on this blog too. Even if writing an entry will help me clarify my thoughts and feelings and help me find creative expression, that's not a good enough accomplishment to take time for it. Since I opened up this blog page, my mind and found me several things for me to do to pull me away from writing.

The wise people say not to fight the mind but to embrace it. So here goes: Dear mind (ego), thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for me. You have really pulled me through a lot. You are terrific. And as a reward for all your good work, you can take a break. You can rest. You can let other aspects of my beingness come forward and offer their gifts. You can let us all rest so that the divine can come through and direct us to our best possible place. We still have work to do, but it's different work. Spiritual work. But I will still need you to help me manuever through his "human experience" world. I promise I will never forget about you, so please step back and be part of a team. There is so much more to me than what I do, I need to manifest my wholeness into the world and I'm asking for your help. Thank you.

May I experience more and more minutes each day in which I see my value in my amness rather than just in my doingness.

And So It Is

Feeling happy, fulfilled, and peaceful

Ok, I'm feeling low. But that's not what I want to write about. Not that it matters. I don't think anyone reads this. Maybe that's ok. I'll have more freedom that way. Instead of writing about feeling low, I want to write about feeling happy and fulfilled and peaceful. I am happy, fulfilled, and peaceful. Life is good. I don't know what is going to happen next, so that means ANYTHING could happen--like an adventure or an unexpected gift. I am learning how to love myself and it is a slow process. Right now I'm so sensitive to anything that could be considered negative feedback that I cringe at the thought of something new. That's probably because I'm already beating myself up. Perfectionism is overrated. But then there are people who really do seem to tune into what's wrong, rather than what's right. I'm also working on not being one of those people. Sure, I need to critique--what works for me, what doesn't; what seems helpful and what doesn't; what I want and what I don't want. But, I don't want to live in negative land. I am grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life. I expend my energy exerting whatever positive influence I can--especially with myself. Perhaps it is a blessing that I am not employed full-time right now. Workers seem to be treated as if they have no value and I would not like that. Perhaps it's best if I'm not "out there" until I can be treated properly. I am a divine creation of the Universe and I have great value. Spirit holds me in Its care and I am well. And So It Is. Now I'm going to take bath and watch something relaxing on T.V.

Life has been interesting since I was laid off. It's been about 4 months and I'm having trouble remembering what it was like having that 7:30-4:30 job. I know that I'm glad to be out of the company I was with. From what I hear, things there just keep getting worse. And I no longer have to care.

I know I've learned to slow down some, which is nice. But at the same time, I don't have an excuse not to do something (e.g. I can't; I have to work), so I'm taking on all kinds of things. I'm exploring, so I'm trying out different things.

Still, I feel like I'm stagnating. I know I'm not, but it feels that way. Actually, I really like working only one part-time job (which is turning out to be a lot of work), but I don't like transferring money from my savings account to my checking account to live on. That's when I have to remind myself that the Universe is looking out for me and that it's only temporary. I really do want to enjoy this time off. It's nice to get to projects I haven't had time to do. It's nice to get to projects more quickly. I finished my taxes today--probably the first time I've ever gotten them done in Feb.

I used to think that if only I could be home more, life would be really good. Life has improved since I've been home more, but I need more connection to others than I'm getting. I get out and do things with people (mainly eating meals), but it's not on a regular basis and it doesn't give me the amount of connection I need.

My children are far away and very busy, so the challenge is for me to have more connection to people who help me get the right kind of connection and/or stimulation so that I can feel less isolated. Another job would put me out with people more, but the connections may be more challenging than stimulating or nurturing.

Waaaaah! I sound a little bit like a whiner. Life is good. I'd just like more/better connection to others. I place this desire in the hands of the Universe. And so it is.

Let's all take a time out . . .

I'm starting to think that the whole planet needs to take a time-out. Let's all stop and take three big deep breaths and think about what we're doing. Fear is ricocheting all over the place. Apparently the end of the world is at hand.

I can't watch the news--any news. It's hard to read the paper; the obituaries are three pages long now! People are checking out and wigging out. Time-out!

Right now at my job with the medical group, there is about a 50-50 chance that I'll get laid off in the next six month. Cuts have been happening and people are jumping around pointing fingers at each other for every little thing. I can only guess that they want to appear more keep-worthy than someone else, so accusations to others are a pre-emptive strike. I want no part of this. I don't even want to be around it. The negative energy is beyond fatiguing. I will not arm wrestle someone for job duties even if I feel they are playing dirty. Soooooo, that might get me laid off. Well, one reason I won't fight for my job is because it just doesn't mean that much to me as far as my contribution to the world goes. As far as needed money, it means a lot to me. But I've gotten to the age where I'm thinking about what my legacy will be and keeping the bills paid and getting the best bargains on supplies for a doctor's group just doesn't cut it sometimes. So I'm ambivalent about the possibility of getting laid off (except for the bone crushing fear of losing my house, living in poverty, and having no retirement, but hey, nothing's perfect). But I've been wanting to leave this job for ages. Maybe the Universe is taking me at my word. So I need to trust that if I'm going to be leaving the old and familiar, there will be better things for me around the corner. I've gone through massive changes before, so I can do it again if I need to, right? RIGHT.

If I'm not asked to leave, I hope the job itself improves. I've gone on the lookout for what might be available for me and jumping ship at this point doesn't seem the wisest move. It seems that anything I might jump to would mean a significant reduction in pay. As it is, two jobs are necessary for me to keep things going as they are. And I really don't want to go from one mind-numbing job to another. This is where I do my best to tune into the guidance of the Universe. So far, it doesn't seem to be talking much--but I still keep trying to listen. Or maybe the batter's in the bowl and it will let me know when the cake is out of the oven. The Universe knows I have skills and talents and I want to use them and be adequately or even well compensated for them. Would that be such a terrible thing to ask?

The semester started and I'm glad to be back in the classroom. After only the first night (preliminary sense), I think I have another good class. The publishing company sent me the wrong book, so I picked one up at the college bookstore and have been cramming for at least the next two week's worth of lesson plans. The correct book is pretty good--much better than the book they sent me in error. There are some good thought-provoking pieces that will be good for discussions and group work.

Update: the heating system is in!!! Buuuuut, Mike accidently put his knee through my ceiling in the hallway. He's almost done patching it and I'll paint when he gets done. The paint for the back bathroom was a terrible match. I ended up painting a section of the wall the new color to help disguise the patched spots. It still looks funny, but I decided it's some sort of artistic expression to have half of two walls painted a different color. I still want to manifest a bathroom remodel (so I won't have to worry about wall and tile cracks anymore), but with the job situation as is, I'll stick with multi-color eclectic.

I got an "A" in my Internet class. That felt good because I hadn't done any academic work like that in a while and I wondered if I could still do it. And I discovered that I can still BS my way through class assignments. On one assignment I started answering a set of questions from the wrong area of a web site two times before I found the right place. Even though I was in the wrong place twice, I found a way to answer questions that didn't even apply to the area I was in. Talk about skillful "crafting." My degree should have been a B.S. instead of a B.A.

My stress level has been high, but I've been working on it. One thing I do is clean and organize. I have to say, things are looking pretty good--even my yards. I used to say that if I ever got a sex life, my yards would go to hell. Sadly, my yards are in really good shape. :o(

I've been meditating regularly and that really helps a lot. Sometimes that's what I hang onto during the day--the thought that I get to be in one position and do nothing for 20 minutes. It's very helpful. Maybe that's my time-out. I need it and it helps.

I wish everyone would take their time-outs and move fear to the side. All is well.

Summer

There is something about summer that keeps me on the go all the time. I think it's winter. When it's light outside until 9 p.m., I feel like I need to keep doing things. Only darkness lets me off the hook. Why? Because of winter. I remember during winter where there is such a small window of opportunity to get daytime things done. And it seems that the more I do (particularly around the house), the more things I find that can be done. Mowing the lawn makes me see the weeds, weeding the yard makes me see the snails, putting out snail bait makes me see that the gardening supplies in the garage need to be reorganized . . . it never ends.

I had a long weekend due to taking a furlough day and I just crammed it full of stuff. The online class that I'm taking (through San Diego State) adds greatly to my agenda. I like the mental stimulation, but the added time in front of the computer I don't like so much. And the good student in me won't let me slack. I haven't taken a class for a grade in ages. The subject is interesting (Reading and Writing in the Digital Age), but I feel a bit out of place. The communication group that I'm with (5 other students) are all younger than me (except one, I think) and all career teachers. I'm the only one who teaches adults too. There is one student who is an American teacher in Germany. He seems to have a chip on his shoulder about some things. Apparently he thinks very highly of the Internet and its capabilities and very lowly of anyone who doubts its wonderfulness. He's made unflattering remarks about the administrators at his school and referred unkindly about the author of an article with which he disagreed, writing him off as a "Baby Boomer." I pointed out to him that I am a Baby Boomer and mostly likely so is our instructor and that he shouldn't write off the whole generation. He apologized but still didn't seem to get it. In argumentation, you challenge the argument and maybe the credentials of the arguer, but not the personal attributes of the arguer. Maybe he felt that challenging the author's age was challenging his credentials. But I don't find that a very good argument.

When I mentioned some of the difficulties I have with my developmental students' being able to have computer access, this teacher/student said that the States offers too many chances for students. The students should just buy computers and conform or be left behind. He mentioned that in Europe the educational system is different. His daughter, who is at middle school level, has already been ruled out of certain Universities that offer education in some professions--like medicine. Oy! Way harsh! I told him I was glad that the U.S. offers more than one chance and that maybe his daughter will want to come to the States to obtain her education (I assume she's a citizen). He didn't respond (he might not have seen my reply). I think that's one reason why the U.S. is considered the land of opportunity--you get more than one chance here. Education is very important. Pursuing education doesn't mean that everyone is going to go all the way in any field of study. But even the garbage man can benefit from expanding the horizons of his thinking.

In honor of the CA Rodeo's 100th anniversary, Salinas brought back the Como Del Rodeo parade yesterday. Compared to the parades when I was a kid, this one paled considerably. Buuuut, it was a free event that brought people out and gave some talents a chance to shine. There was a line of customized PT Crusers that I enjoyed. I don't think I'll ever buy one, but I like them. Sooo, I was going to have dinner with my friend Terri on the south side of town (she's house sitting and offered to cook something) and she talked me into going to the parade. We only had to walk two blocks, so that was good. Anyway, I did get out and do something fun.

The work on my house is at a crawl. I'll be gone for 4 days and 3 nights later this month, so I'm hoping that Mike can finish up the last heating duct into the last room. But now I need him to put in a new cat door (I have to get it first). Two ferel cats (not mine) were fighting in my garage and busted through the door, breaking it. Sigh. For my part I've been working on the spackling and touch up painting in the rooms where the new heating ducts made an impact. That came to involve some paint matching. I haven't applied what I've bought yet, so I don't know how well I did.

And also on the kitty front, I ended up taking Tigrita to the vet on Friday. She showed signs of vaginal discharge again. This was after she apparently got caught in a fight in the house. Usually she's a good hider, but there was a bunch of cat fur on the floor in the hallway a couple of weeks ago, indicating that some kind of altercation had occurred. After that she wouldn't come to eat and stayed in the same position for hours. It took several days for her to start moving ok again, but still she could completely jump on the bed--she had to get front paws and drag herself up. It was after that that I saw the dried discharge again. Tigrita fought the vet like a demon so she couldn't have been too hurt by that point. The vet didn't see anything new, but she put Tigrita on an antibiotic just to be sure she doesn't get an infection from the fight and in case there was a vaginal infection. Now I fight with her once a day to squirt the liquid down her throat. The medicine smells like orange--a cat's favorite, I'm sure. Can't drug companies make animal antibiotics that taste like tuna?

Well, just drivel, no real theme. July is a busy month. I had my car serviced (60,000 mile check done my friend Terri's husband). Before that I had a close encounter with a post at the gas station and crunched in the rear driver's side wheel fender and snapped the rear door handle in two. Another job for Mike. He's going to try to fuse it back together. The door still opens, but oy! I have another spot on my front fender where I kissed a post at a different gas station a few years ago. It's almost the same color blue as the most recent contact. Boy, give me the streets, avenues, highways, and freeways and I do fine. But put me in a gas station and I fall apart.

Wishing you blessing!