Just Like Your Mother

I work in an office that has a CT scan machine. Yesterday as I came into the front of the building, returning from an afternoon errand and seeing no patients in the waiting room, I playfully said to the receptionist, "Scan me, baby!" Well, as it turned out, the tech who is going to be the back-up tech was in the process of training on the machine and was looking for people to practice on. So I offered up my body.

I hadn't fasted or drunk any contrast material, but I put on the gown and allowed myself to be placed on the bed. I followed the instructions as to when to breathe in and out (aided by little faces on the outside of the machine that show a side view of a happy face with its cheeks puffed out--holding breath--and its mouth open--release breath). It was pretty easy. The area that was scanned was my chest and pelvis.

Afterward, I got to see my innards. Wow, it was pretty cool. I must say, I have a nice spine. Maybe I should put that information on a resume or a dating profile. The teaching tech moved the picture along and pointed out all my organs to me. I do have a heart (despite what some may say) and all the necessary organs to keep Debbie going. Hurray!

As the tech took a pass through my pictures, she started pointing out things she noticed. Had I had my thyroid examined? Yes, my trio of nodules was discovered last year and ultrasounded. We're going to follow up in 2 years to see if they've grown, moved or added a fourth and formed a Barbershop Quartet. Did I know that one adrenal gland was much smaller than the other one (another hormone issue)? No, or is it that the other one is just larger? Maybe together they average out to what two normal adrenal glands usually are. When was the last time I'd had a pelvic exam? Last fall. There appears to be a cyst on my uterus. I always wanted a sister but not a cyst. Have I had a colonoscopy? No, but that will probably one of the joys of this calendar year. The tech is used to seeing organs without food and with contrast material consumed, but she pointed out a section of diverticulosis in my colon. Oy! I was starting to feel less proud of my spine.

As I thought about all the boo-boos that were discovered with my CT scan, I realized that all parts mentioned were parts that my mother has problems with. Oy again! All during my childhood, she kept telling me that I was just like her. If I did anything, it was "Just like your mother." Is there really inherited ailments, or did she will my boo0-boos onto me with her predictions? When it comes to nodules, cysts, and "osises" (and lots of other things), I really don't want to be just like my mother!

Valentine's Day

This was my Valentine's Day gift from my cat Pepper. Not only did she give me a meal, but she also provided garnishments. Of course, she expected me to feed her after receiving my treats. Ah love . . . .

Turning 50

My 50th birthday was two days ago. This morning a 39 year old asked me if I "feel" 50. I said, "I don't know. What does 50 feel like?"

I still don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that what's important to me and what I strive for is different now than it used to be. I care more about having peace in my life. I care about what my legacy will be. I care about using my gifts before I no longer have them. I care about what my place is in this world--especially since I don't feel like I fit in very well. But that's ok, because I don't necessarily think that I should change to fit in with the world. I know I need to make the changes that feel right for me.

I care about helping myself to evolve as far as I can and about being a positive force (however small) for life. I used to be so naive as to think that the world was just right when I arrived--that after Vietnam there would be no more war--that everyone in power had learned from that and it wouldn't happen again. Now I know differently, so I care what happens to the world. I don't like that fear seems to rule, but I can't do anything about the fear in the world until I get my own fears taken care of. So I care about that.

I care that positive role models for women over 50 (or even 40) are almost non-existent in the mainstream media (A person can only watch so much Murder, She Wrote . . . besides, that's an old show). So I know I'll have to seek mine out.

I care about aging well and not being a burden to my family. I care about my children doing well (they are) and my parent having quality of life in their later years (they do). I care about having good relationships and reading all the books I think are interesting (I know I'll die with unread books on my shelf. I just can't seem to keep up with my book purchases--maybe I spend too much time on the computer :>o)

I care about being able to enjoy all there is to enjoy about now, while still working toward new things for the future, wonderful things. I care about doing my part to raise the collective consciousness to a more positive level, which really means, I need to raise my own consciousness to a more positive level and help provide a lighted path.

So I guess after all is said and done and after years of striving in a job, raising children, and pursuing the American Dream, at this point in my life what I care about is (this sound so selfish) . . . me. 50 year old me.

Sigh, maybe that's what 50 feels like.