Turning 50

My 50th birthday was two days ago. This morning a 39 year old asked me if I "feel" 50. I said, "I don't know. What does 50 feel like?"

I still don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that what's important to me and what I strive for is different now than it used to be. I care more about having peace in my life. I care about what my legacy will be. I care about using my gifts before I no longer have them. I care about what my place is in this world--especially since I don't feel like I fit in very well. But that's ok, because I don't necessarily think that I should change to fit in with the world. I know I need to make the changes that feel right for me.

I care about helping myself to evolve as far as I can and about being a positive force (however small) for life. I used to be so naive as to think that the world was just right when I arrived--that after Vietnam there would be no more war--that everyone in power had learned from that and it wouldn't happen again. Now I know differently, so I care what happens to the world. I don't like that fear seems to rule, but I can't do anything about the fear in the world until I get my own fears taken care of. So I care about that.

I care that positive role models for women over 50 (or even 40) are almost non-existent in the mainstream media (A person can only watch so much Murder, She Wrote . . . besides, that's an old show). So I know I'll have to seek mine out.

I care about aging well and not being a burden to my family. I care about my children doing well (they are) and my parent having quality of life in their later years (they do). I care about having good relationships and reading all the books I think are interesting (I know I'll die with unread books on my shelf. I just can't seem to keep up with my book purchases--maybe I spend too much time on the computer :>o)

I care about being able to enjoy all there is to enjoy about now, while still working toward new things for the future, wonderful things. I care about doing my part to raise the collective consciousness to a more positive level, which really means, I need to raise my own consciousness to a more positive level and help provide a lighted path.

So I guess after all is said and done and after years of striving in a job, raising children, and pursuing the American Dream, at this point in my life what I care about is (this sound so selfish) . . . me. 50 year old me.

Sigh, maybe that's what 50 feels like.