Well, it's Leap Day and I'm sitting near my free standing stove as it is finishing a warm, crackling burn. Nothing like a nice fire on a cold, windy day.
I'm sharing the computer chair with Pepper, my 13 year old Siamese Lynx. Or rather, she's sharing it with me.
It's a night when I really don't want to think too much. A night in which I need to turn to Spirit. A night in which I need to be in the now. I choose to be in the now. And now is good.
So much of my past involved delayed gratification, putting off today's happiness for a future goal. I've lived a lot of my past in the future.
Now the future is here and guess what? The things I have been waiting for have not been happening. I sacrificed time with my family to get an education and the education has not brought about what I expected and the family is gone. I put a lot of effort into my family and now my children are grown and living their own lives and I am divorced.
I expected my education to open up some opportunities for me, but it doesn't seem to have done that. In fact, it seems to have made me "overqualified" for some of the income generating situations that I have pursued.
I don't know how to take this. It seems I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but even then I feel guilty. I'm grateful for the family I had and for the opportunity to get an education, I just don't want to feel like I'm done. And it's feeling pretty empty these days (maybe that's why it's called the "Empty Nest.").
What do I do next? The things I've tried all seem to have blocks that I can't get past. I don't know what else to do. I wait for guidance from the Universe, but it seems to be rare and fuzzy. I get steps, but I don't get a goal. Even just saying that I'm waiting for guidance from the Universe sounds so "out there." The American Way is to be frantic and bite and scratch and claw my way to something--even if I'm unhappy with it. Being calm and listening for guidance when there is a problem is just not the way of our culture. We are supposed to "DO" something. But what????
I guess the "what" is to trust--that all has not been for no reason, that there is something more that will materialize in its proper time, that the Universe has me in it's embrace regardless of whether or not I can feel it. Maybe that's what I need to do--feel the embrace of the Universe holding me lovingly and taking me to the best place for me.
I release my disappointment and the sadness of unmet expectations and welcome what is. I see the now and accept the now, until the Universe guides me to a different now. All is well. And So It Is.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Pay it forward
I had a birthday a few days ago and was so happy to receive many good wishes and some gifts. I like receiving gifts but there is something about them that makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I have trouble receiving a gift or gifts when I know that given current circumstances I will not be able to reciprocate in kind (amount of gifts, type of gift, value of gifts) to the person giving.
Of course, intellectually, I know that's not what gift giving is about. I know that most people (there probably are exceptions) don't give a gift to someone anticipating something in kind to be returned to them at some point--at least I know I don't. Most people give gifts because they want to and because they like to make someone else happy.
So, I need to get comfortable with the no reciprocation/less than reciprocation that has always been in my life but has shown up more persistently since my employment has not been sufficient. In other words, lately, I've been receiving more than I can repay.
Perhaps I can get more comfortable with not paying back if I feel like I can pay forward. I may not be able to give lots to the same friend who gave lots to me, but maybe I can give some to others. Maybe I can give to someone who doesn't have and wouldn't have if I didn't give. Does that make sense?
Maybe those who give to me in any way can feel like they are making an investment in others, in the chain of pay it forward. I hope so. :o)
Of course, intellectually, I know that's not what gift giving is about. I know that most people (there probably are exceptions) don't give a gift to someone anticipating something in kind to be returned to them at some point--at least I know I don't. Most people give gifts because they want to and because they like to make someone else happy.
So, I need to get comfortable with the no reciprocation/less than reciprocation that has always been in my life but has shown up more persistently since my employment has not been sufficient. In other words, lately, I've been receiving more than I can repay.
Perhaps I can get more comfortable with not paying back if I feel like I can pay forward. I may not be able to give lots to the same friend who gave lots to me, but maybe I can give some to others. Maybe I can give to someone who doesn't have and wouldn't have if I didn't give. Does that make sense?
Maybe those who give to me in any way can feel like they are making an investment in others, in the chain of pay it forward. I hope so. :o)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Spiritual being having a human experience
I've decided to come back to my blog with a focus on my journey as a spiritual being having a human experience. I've heard that term so many times that I don't know who to attribute it to. I know that several spiritual traditions see our lives as such.
The topic that came to me in meditation was that of how I value myself. It is deeply ingrained in me that my value lies in what I accomplish, how busy I am, and/or how many people require my time. I think this concept is replete throughout our culture--particularly for women. With that definition of value, it would seem that at this point in my life, I am of very little value.
There were several periods in my life when (according to the above definition of value) I was very valuable. But now, with an empty nest and no full-time job, I appear to be of quite low value. Unfortunately, my mind seems to have bought into this concept and it whips me up into a frenzy trying to help me find value according to the old model. I clean my house, job hunt, and prepare lessons for my part-time job teaching. There's no problem with that, but my mind has decided that I need to be anxious about all of that, as if the perfectly clean house, the great job, or the wonderful lesson plan will bring me back some value. In my mind, tending to myself is conditional--if it will help me produce something tangible and make me or keep me valuable, then it's ok. Otherwise, no.
As I walk my spiritual path, I'm working toward valuing the spiritualness and the beingness of me. I am worthy of taking up space on the planet because I AM. I am consciousness and I have value because of my existence.
Ever since I was let go from my job, my mind has fought me in my feelings of a need to meditate. Why should I waste time like that? What does meditation produce? Sure, when you were working you needed to meditate, to take a break so you could recharge and go out and "do" more. But you're just hanging around the house being useless. Why do you need to meditate? Do another job search on the Internet, Lazy!
My mind is fighting me on this blog too. Even if writing an entry will help me clarify my thoughts and feelings and help me find creative expression, that's not a good enough accomplishment to take time for it. Since I opened up this blog page, my mind and found me several things for me to do to pull me away from writing.
The wise people say not to fight the mind but to embrace it. So here goes: Dear mind (ego), thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for me. You have really pulled me through a lot. You are terrific. And as a reward for all your good work, you can take a break. You can rest. You can let other aspects of my beingness come forward and offer their gifts. You can let us all rest so that the divine can come through and direct us to our best possible place. We still have work to do, but it's different work. Spiritual work. But I will still need you to help me manuever through his "human experience" world. I promise I will never forget about you, so please step back and be part of a team. There is so much more to me than what I do, I need to manifest my wholeness into the world and I'm asking for your help. Thank you.
May I experience more and more minutes each day in which I see my value in my amness rather than just in my doingness.
And So It Is
The topic that came to me in meditation was that of how I value myself. It is deeply ingrained in me that my value lies in what I accomplish, how busy I am, and/or how many people require my time. I think this concept is replete throughout our culture--particularly for women. With that definition of value, it would seem that at this point in my life, I am of very little value.
There were several periods in my life when (according to the above definition of value) I was very valuable. But now, with an empty nest and no full-time job, I appear to be of quite low value. Unfortunately, my mind seems to have bought into this concept and it whips me up into a frenzy trying to help me find value according to the old model. I clean my house, job hunt, and prepare lessons for my part-time job teaching. There's no problem with that, but my mind has decided that I need to be anxious about all of that, as if the perfectly clean house, the great job, or the wonderful lesson plan will bring me back some value. In my mind, tending to myself is conditional--if it will help me produce something tangible and make me or keep me valuable, then it's ok. Otherwise, no.
As I walk my spiritual path, I'm working toward valuing the spiritualness and the beingness of me. I am worthy of taking up space on the planet because I AM. I am consciousness and I have value because of my existence.
Ever since I was let go from my job, my mind has fought me in my feelings of a need to meditate. Why should I waste time like that? What does meditation produce? Sure, when you were working you needed to meditate, to take a break so you could recharge and go out and "do" more. But you're just hanging around the house being useless. Why do you need to meditate? Do another job search on the Internet, Lazy!
My mind is fighting me on this blog too. Even if writing an entry will help me clarify my thoughts and feelings and help me find creative expression, that's not a good enough accomplishment to take time for it. Since I opened up this blog page, my mind and found me several things for me to do to pull me away from writing.
The wise people say not to fight the mind but to embrace it. So here goes: Dear mind (ego), thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for me. You have really pulled me through a lot. You are terrific. And as a reward for all your good work, you can take a break. You can rest. You can let other aspects of my beingness come forward and offer their gifts. You can let us all rest so that the divine can come through and direct us to our best possible place. We still have work to do, but it's different work. Spiritual work. But I will still need you to help me manuever through his "human experience" world. I promise I will never forget about you, so please step back and be part of a team. There is so much more to me than what I do, I need to manifest my wholeness into the world and I'm asking for your help. Thank you.
May I experience more and more minutes each day in which I see my value in my amness rather than just in my doingness.
And So It Is
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