Leap Day

Well, it's Leap Day and I'm sitting near my free standing stove as it is finishing a warm, crackling burn. Nothing like a nice fire on a cold, windy day.

I'm sharing the computer chair with Pepper, my 13 year old Siamese Lynx. Or rather, she's sharing it with me.

It's a night when I really don't want to think too much. A night in which I need to turn to Spirit. A night in which I need to be in the now. I choose to be in the now. And now is good.

So much of my past involved delayed gratification, putting off today's happiness for a future goal. I've lived a lot of my past in the future.

Now the future is here and guess what? The things I have been waiting for have not been happening. I sacrificed time with my family to get an education and the education has not brought about what I expected and the family is gone. I put a lot of effort into my family and now my children are grown and living their own lives and I am divorced.

I expected my education to open up some opportunities for me, but it doesn't seem to have done that. In fact, it seems to have made me "overqualified" for some of the income generating situations that I have pursued.

I don't know how to take this. It seems I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself, but even then I feel guilty. I'm grateful for the family I had and for the opportunity to get an education, I just don't want to feel like I'm done. And it's feeling pretty empty these days (maybe that's why it's called the "Empty Nest.").

What do I do next? The things I've tried all seem to have blocks that I can't get past. I don't know what else to do. I wait for guidance from the Universe, but it seems to be rare and fuzzy. I get steps, but I don't get a goal. Even just saying that I'm waiting for guidance from the Universe sounds so "out there." The American Way is to be frantic and bite and scratch and claw my way to something--even if I'm unhappy with it. Being calm and listening for guidance when there is a problem is just not the way of our culture. We are supposed to "DO" something. But what????

I guess the "what" is to trust--that all has not been for no reason, that there is something more that will materialize in its proper time, that the Universe has me in it's embrace regardless of whether or not I can feel it. Maybe that's what I need to do--feel the embrace of the Universe holding me lovingly and taking me to the best place for me.

I release my disappointment and the sadness of unmet expectations and welcome what is. I see the now and accept the now, until the Universe guides me to a different now. All is well. And So It Is.

Pay it forward

I had a birthday a few days ago and was so happy to receive many good wishes and some gifts. I like receiving gifts but there is something about them that makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable. I have trouble receiving a gift or gifts when I know that given current circumstances I will not be able to reciprocate in kind (amount of gifts, type of gift, value of gifts) to the person giving.

Of course, intellectually, I know that's not what gift giving is about. I know that most people (there probably are exceptions) don't give a gift to someone anticipating something in kind to be returned to them at some point--at least I know I don't. Most people give gifts because they want to and because they like to make someone else happy.

So, I need to get comfortable with the no reciprocation/less than reciprocation that has always been in my life but has shown up more persistently since my employment has not been sufficient. In other words, lately, I've been receiving more than I can repay.

Perhaps I can get more comfortable with not paying back if I feel like I can pay forward. I may not be able to give lots to the same friend who gave lots to me, but maybe I can give some to others. Maybe I can give to someone who doesn't have and wouldn't have if I didn't give. Does that make sense?

Maybe those who give to me in any way can feel like they are making an investment in others, in the chain of pay it forward. I hope so. :o)